tropicana and raboto

Not much time right now, but if I don't make a list I will forget.

The first night we went out with a Haitian who lives in the US, a missionary couple (jeff and Sharron) who have been coming for 10 years and an armed guard. They took us to Jumbayla (sp?) And we saw a famous band called Tropicana and got home and 3:30 am- making Sister Mary not happy with us. Then to Raboto- life changing. More later.

The Matthew 25 House

After we got a sim card for Daniel's phone (that doesnt work) we walked out the airport and through a sea of haitian men, yelling (because they want you in get in their taxi?)and staring (because we're white and obviously not in a pack of similarly clothed missionary ducklings), when I heard a little voice saying "caitlin?" And looked down to see a little old white lady who then introduced herself as sister mary.

Sister Mary is running the Matthew 25 house in Delmas alone at the moment, but she does have the help of her friend, sister mary (no joke). Sister mary has been working here for 5 years and although she doesn't speak very much Creole, she "drives Haitian." We waded through what seemed like hundreds of people in the street through the poorest places I have ever seen. I haven't even seen a store- I mean any kind of store let alone a burger king or supermarket. People just hang out on the side of the road with clothes, fruit, and toys. We made it to the white gates of our new home (gates AND guard) and came inside to see a modest but charming house full of haitian art and carvings. Downstairs are common areas where we eat and play cards (already learned a haitian game called "casino") and right now daniel and I are alone upstairs in the "flower" room- but will get other bunk mates- probably missionaries tomorrow) upstairs the rooms open to a large open roof top area where a missionary couple game us our first lesson in creole. They've been coming for ten years and are very helpful. Now, with their help and a haitian guide we do a little exploring. Tomorrow the real work begins.

airport

Landed safely. Waiting in line to get a local phone to call the translator.

miami

In Miami boarding plane to Port Au Prince. We are staying at the Matthew 25 House and they will be picking us up from the airport (thank god).


See you on the flip side...

Haiti bound

Daniel and I leave tonight for our latest adventure.

My cell phone should work (albeit at 3$ a min will be for emergency use only). The verizon people say that means I should get internet, so I will try to update here as much as possible.

It should be quite an adventure. Type Haiti into youtube and watch anything to get a glimpse of the level of poverty and lack of development there. More than any other trip I'm anxious and nervous. But in the very least I'll be home in 2 weeks with some incredible stories, I'm sure.

This is the massacre and subsequent litigation we're writing about: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raboteau_Massacre

Stay tuned....

Lovelovelove and Christmas,

C

success

I still have 2 finals to go this semester, and then I begin the work of my big research project, like 4 Christmases, moral character application etc etc etc.

I've got to say I'm feeling pretty burnt out.  Pretty burnt out and apathetic about it all.

Part of me knows I will feel relief just getting it done, getting through it. But that certainly isn't the same as success.  But maybe law school doesn't have much to do with that anyway.  Maybe it's more some of the things I've already done.

One of the best things I got out of my experience at the Panetta Institute was a card.  For some reason, my favorite thing about the whole experience was that they picked out a card for me with this quote on the cover:

"To laugh often and much;

to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;

to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends;

to appreciate beauty;

to find the best in others;

to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch 

or a redeemed social condition

to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.

This is to have succeeded."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

I guess I'll get back to studying now.  I think my lack of motivation comes from my knowledge that it really has little to do with who I am...

warm car

Ok, I don't have a lot of time.  I'm sitting in my car in the parking garage at school (a) finishing an episode of Desperate Housewives online and (b) facebook stalking.  Both of these events are regular activities during finals when one is desperate to find things that seem to be more important than studying.  (I started blogging so I would snap out of it).

I've discovered a new thing this semester, I absolutely love sitting in my car.  In some ways, I always new this.  I loved staying in the warm car after a drive when I was little- sometimes my mom would let me stay and nap.  This semester I've discovered that I can escape from the world and find a little privacy in my car.  With the sun shining down on the metal, it stays warm.  I roll the windows down slightly and let in a little cool breeze and keep the radio on (except when Desperate Housewives is on, obviously).  It's like my own little cocoon and happy place.  I've got my music, my coffee, my reading...

Feeling content, I'm happy looking at pictures on facebook.  You know how that one-thing-leads-to-another thing goes... and pretty soon you're looking at your ex-coworkers mother's sister-in-law in Thailand.  Anyway. For some reason right now I'm thinking about how no matter how different or even dorky or whatever I think these people are, they all have people to comment on their photos.  "Neat!" "I like this one" "Where *were* you??!" They probably all think I'm chaotic/crazy but I have my own people.  You know? Anyway.  Most everyone has people.  Whether they know it or not and whether or not those people are constant over a series of years, we basically all have people right now.  I think that's something we should always be thankful for.

Alright, that's about all we've got time for today folks.  Gotta run grab coffee and get back to the books.  I've got a lunch date with my mentor, Joan, one of my very favorite right-nows that I hope will be a forever kind of person.

political catsup disaster

I'm going to completely use you for my own benefit right now.

I'm in that place where the juices aren't flowing and my head is cloudy.  I've been like this for a good 48 hours, which is completely unacceptable.  I think that happens sometimes with writing/ studying.  There's like a seal you have to break.  I can't think of a good analogy for it... except maybe a ketchup/catsup bottle (I really just wanted to see if my auto-spell check would find 'catsup' acceptable.  It does.)  I think that analogy is actually pretty good because sometimes you've got a nice flow going but then out of no where it turns into a sloppy mess and everything is ruined and salty. Blergh.

I want to work on my paper.  But I need some good democratic/ proud to be an American inspiration.  Oh, I know,  I'll watch 'West Wing'- duh.  My paper is basically about how it's not the fault of kids today for being "apathetic" when we dont teach them about America and Democracy and how to be proud of the fact that we were founded on a bunch of ideals.  And how they only really show up to vote when there's some like celebrity-esk candidate that they can look up on the interweb/ youtube.  But how the candidates have figured out how to reach out to this population (via internet and cell phones, etc) but we have to do a better job with the message because if they dont care about the process (a) we lose the common ground with the "other" side so nothing can get accomplished  (ie- we'll continue to become more and more polarized between parties thanks to cable news and Newt Gingrich (newt.org = scary) so the celebrity candidates everyone loves so much will never be able to do anything) and (b) we risk completely crashing in burning if we arent invested in repairing the system when we need it (ie California= also scary).  This is all supported by statistics because (a) there has been a decline in civic education (b) parents aren't as invested in the system and probs not saying positive things at home (watergate, wmd, i did not have sexual relations with that woman?) (c) kids are showing up to vote only when celebrity candidates (d) kids know about issues but dont care/ dont vote because of them (see gay marriage) (e) while there is a dramatic increase in kids showing up at the polls, they still the the govt as "the" govt rather than "our" govt.

Anyway. It's hard to break down to just a paragraph, but it's intuitive and genius and the idiots Panettta made me talk to didn't get anything.  It's so annoying.  So I have to make my paper so good.

That's the sort of thing I've been thinking about.  That and I'm sad about Christmas, basically all the time. I don't really want to talk about that though.

I've got to go eat something then really get to work.  

Peace, Love, and Newt.

-C

 

When a song does a better job in explaining the way you feel..

It's best not to fight it.  It's already been said.

**

There are places I remember  All my life, though some have changed  

Some forever not for better  

Some have gone and some remain  

All these places had their moments  

With lovers and friends  I still can recall  

Some are dead and some are living 

 In my life I've loved them all   

But of all these friends and lovers  

there is no one compares with you  

And these memories lose their meaning  

When I think of love as something new  

Though I know I'll never lose affection  

For people and things that went before  

I know I'll often stop and think about them  

In my life I love you more   

Though I know I'll never lose affection  

For people and things that went before  

I know I'll often stop and think about them 

In my life I love you more                                            In my life I love you more 

****

Just perfectly how I feel tonight.  I think it's a good thing.  Goodnight, moon.

"you look tired" and other ridiculousness

Hiiiiiiiiiii.  (That's what baby Sammy says.  Basically over and over. "Hiiiiiiiii."  What a flirt.)

I'm going to have to apologize in advance, as I am particularly tired today thanks to last night's meteor shower.  

I also want to apologize in advance for blogging when I don't really have much to say.  I guess it's sorta like Trey says, and blogging takes some time, loneliness, and thought.  I guess I'm just too busy for all that stuff right now.  I just really want to do that thing where I just sit for an entire day.  You know it.  Like, when you plan on doing things but you're all alone in your apartment and you get wrapped up in TNT's primetime in the daytime or West Wing Marathons and the next thing you know you've spent an entire day sitting alone while eating salami and snickerdoodles.  What? You too? God. That's all I want.  That and Christmas.

I'm exhausted.  I'm behind in school.  My room's a mess.  I haven't spent any quality time with my family any time even close to recently. I'm poor. I have no job and am graduating next year.  These are the general things that shadow other thoughts. That and- my oldest friends are far away or I don't talk to them. I don't write any more. Blah blah blah.  But I'm trying.  I'm really trying to be balanced and hold it all together.  I mean, I'm not eating on a regular basis, so my room's taken a turn for the worst.  I don't understand how other people have time to eat 3 times a day.  It's absurd.  Being poor while working so hard is really the worst part.  It's got to be just the worst part of grad school. 

But enough of that.  The only reason I'm talking about it is because before class today 3 people told me I looked tired.  That's got to be one of the most useless things to ever tell someone.  It's like when people tell me my hand is cold if they shake it.  No kidding.  It's my hand, imagine what it feels like to me.  It's my body.  If you think I look tired, don't you think I'm aware and feel tired?  You acknowledging my tired doesn't make it any better.  Does it make you feel better?  Do you mean to say, "Are you ok?"  or "I hope you're resting enough." Or something?  Because "you look tired" is pretty pointless and makes me feel like I need to put on more mascara or something.  

OK- none of this is the point.  The point is that yes- I'm tired.  I'm sick of driving to Monterey 2 or 3 times a week and have lost the Steinbeck magic behind it.  I'm feeling sorry for myself because I have a ton of debt, no money, and bar prep starts in January. BUT.... the last time I was feeling sorry for myself, Connie reminded me that I can't control my feelings, but I can control my thoughts.  Thinking about these things wont make them any better.  In fact, it's pretty stupid and self-absorbed bullshit to be thinking about these things anyway.  Because there are people around me who care.  I mean, probably all those people who told me I look tired care.  My dad cares.  He never even once mentioned the fact that it looks like Staples threw up on my desk or that my room is embarrassing.  My family forgives the fact that I suck at being in a family right now because they care.  Those are the things to think about.  That all those people want me to succeed, and more than that, they want me to sleep. 

SO, yes.  I will try my best to think more constructive thoughts for the benefit of myself and those around me.  I will try to think about how I am doing this so that I can make a difference for people and for things that matter.  I will think about how I don't have any money right now, but I'm being well-cared for anyway, and what a beautiful thing that is.  I will think about how I am sentimental and sappy but how sometimes, I just need to put that aside to get some work done.  It's time Caitlin.  It's time for Finals Lock-Down 2009 (part 2).  Working out, studying, sleeping, eating, laughing...

Thanks NaBloPoMo, for making me get a little out of my head, and on "paper." 

(Also, I love you, Carolann Madden.  Read her blog, people.)

chicken dance

What used to be here was a blog about a 100th birthday party. The intention was to express how it taught me the importance of not taking everything so seriously, and what a beautiful thing that can be. Some people obviously missed that point and for that I am sorry and have removed the blog.

nancy grace should probably shut up now and i didn't talk about this but 24-hour news= the death of journalism.

Carolann really stepped it up and wrote a *long* blog yesterday which is so annnnoying because it was way easier to do this when I was competing with her and winning. But w/e. I bet she won't even write tonight.

I got my fingerprints taken for the bar today.  With it, I found out I have to have a separate FBI check on top of the "regular" Department of Justice background check to pass the bar because I lived out of state for longer than two years.  Apparently they have been known to randomly call people to ask about the applicant.  So, be warned, or something.  I guess it's good that I feel confident enough my character that I'm not afraid of any one answering questions about it.  I mean, even that girl who stalked my life would probably say I was a bitch to her, but hey, at least I was honest.  I think that's probably the most important thing to being a lawyer anyway.  Also, I have decided I'm not worried about passing the MPRE.  You should hear some of the crap that comes outta people's mouths in my ethics class.  These people are creeps, and chances are, they will all become lawyers.  Look at Nancy Grace.  That creep is a freaking former prosecutor and yells on TV about people's guilt and her disgust for them, before a single shred of evidence has been presented in a court room.  That's exactly contrary to our system which to me, seems like the absolute *worst* moral sin you could commit as an attorney- to disrupt our delicate and complicated system and condemn someone in the public eye before they're proven guilty.  I mean, I hate the dude who has 10 bodies buried in his backyard, but I am sure as shit not going to do something to keep him from getting a fair trial so that we can all be sure we locked away the correct douchebag.  Anyway. You get it. They should let me be a lawyer.

parents=teachers

I'm rather lonely at Panetta today, which is a good thing because I have a ton to do. But first, I wanted to share a little something with you (for three reasons -(1) I seem to have a million things swimming around in my head these days and (2) my new motivation for blogging is to beat Carolann at NaBl0PoMo and (3) I want to share with you this article that broke my heart).

Part of my job here is reading the news, which is pretty cool, but it can drive my mood for better or worse when I get in the thick of it. So today there's this: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/11/11/AR2009111118432.html

I don't think I want to say much about it other than people can be so horrible. I mean, we're animals really, but why is it that there are some people who are so much less evolved that they are missing a piece of humanity? Wait, no. That's not fair. Animals would never do this sort of thing to their young.

I was talking to my mentor yesterday about my big paper I'm working on, and she casually said something I'm finding myself repeating, "We can either go through life thinking the purpose is to minimize pain and maximize pleasure and all that, or we can think our purpose is to make this place better. But that's something that's taught. It's something you learn."

Anyway, it wasn't even entirely relevant to anything I want to say, but it means maybe it's not inherent in us. But it's a duty either way. It's a duty to live that way and a duty to teach. Maybe because of as well as in spite of our humanity.

everyone wins

Because today is the birthday of both the Marine Corps and Sesame Street.  

Why not have the best of both worlds?

I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives. I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him. ~Abraham Lincoln

Veterans Day is usually celebrated on November 11.  This year, it falls on a Wednesday which made me curious as to why it isn't a Monday holiday like most other non-religious holidays.  It turns out major hostilities of World War I were formally ended at the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month of 1918 with the German signing of the Armistice. Hence- "Veterans Day" in the United States, and "Armistice Day" or "Remembrance Day" to the rest of the world.  I've got to say I'm a little ashamed I didn't know that.

I'm also a bit ashamed that Veterans Days seems to be slipping under the radar.  I'm not sure why we don't have the day off and why there isn't better PR for the holiday in general.  There is no more important time than now, no more important day than today to be reminding the men and women who serve or who have served our country just how much we are proud of them.  

It's interesting to me to think about how America was founded deliberately and specifically because of an idea, or rather, a host of good ideas.  We don't have ancient castles or ruins to look back on, because the richness of our history is less tangible.  Our history is rooted in dreams and ideals that are important enough that people literally sign their lives away to simply serve the cause.  It's mind blowing to me.  In a time when the majority of the next generation of young adults are more focused on success and money than ever before, there are some who are so selfless that they donate their entire lives to the ideal.

That's beyond something to be proud of.  That's the life-blood of our country.  I think maybe we forget, or take it for granted, or maybe even down-play its importance.  But it's absolutely everything.  The pride we can feel in the very purpose of our society can give us reason to act in a way to be proud of.  We obviously don't all live up to it.  But it's what makes us so strong, both in military strength and intellectual strength.  We're built on dreams and new ideas, and would fight to the death for integrity of our freedoms.

So here's to all the men and women who have served our country, and to those who are serving both domestically and abroad today so that we have the privilege of living our dreams back home.  Let's give them a reason to fight and let's continue to make this place something to be proud of.

This is what happens when I'm trying to study...

marriedtothesea.com

NaBloPoMo

OK, *fine.*  It's National Blog Posting Month and Carolann wants me to do this everyday. I won't do it everyday, I just won't. I won't do it because no one reads this except for her and I tell her what I'm thinking all the time anyway.  The only time anyone has ever read it is when that one girl stalked my life and sent my poetry to this guy who wasn't her boyfriend and made him mad at me.  That time and then recently when I posted an angry hungry blog and upset my mom.  It's not her fault.  She just taught me what calories are and some people apparently don't learn that stuff and that's how they can eat two dinners when we're in high school.

Speaking of that stupid diet, it was stupid.  In fact, all those "cleansing" diets are officially stupid.  Of course you lose weight, you're basically starving yourself.  I didn't lose weight on the fake GM diet because I ate every fruit and veggie I could find as if it would be the last time.  But the other ones, you're cranky for the first day because you're hungry and then you feel better a few days in because your stomach shrinks.  It's how anorexia works. It's not that hard. You feel all good at tight and skinny but really, you're anorexic.  Get over it.  Eat a salad and go for a walk.  Curves are better then little boy bodies anyway.  So I am now on the Melissa diet.  She says to eat every two hours and make sure you eat protein.  Cheese counts as protein, so I'm in the clear.  

Oooh k. I'm sitting at home right now instead of running around apu (as per usual).  I woke up feeling like I was hit by a bus, and by woke up I mean I drifted in and out of sleep for 2 hours longer than I was supposed to.  So, I either have some *gasp* flu, or am having an allergic reaction to the turkey in my meatloaf last night (how's that for a diet), or I'm overwhelmed and exhausted and my body is forcing me to sit on my couch today.  Whatever the reason, I'm up for it.  I'm going to be doing a whole hell of a lot of sitting today. Sitting and studying for the MPRE.

eek.  The MPRE is the ethics portion of the bar exam.  It's also good practice for me to start getting into study mode since I take the bar in, oh, i dunno, 9 months.  I think this knowledge along with stress from law school exams, the MPRE, and the knowledge that I don't have a job is manifesting itself as a little ball of sick in my stomach that probably looks a lot like that chick with too much eyeliner.  

So, I think that's really what's going on with me.  I think I'll write about real things other days, other than me sitting. And yes, Carolann. I will do my best to do it everyday.

Attack of the Killer Hungry-Woman

Ok. I’m starving.

I keep getting friendly advice to either (#1) keep busy(!) or (#2) just eat something already- neither or which seem like a viable option, so I’m blogging instead.

I’m trying this damned “GM Diet” which isn’t a real thing, mostly because it most certainly wasn’t developed by the top execs at General Motors, but it will enable me to lose a few pounds fast, which I’m entirely interested in. It touts itself (and by “it” I mean the description I found on some bogus website) as being one of those “cleansing” things, which I’m into I guess, but not into enough to drink lemonade, maple syrup and cayenne pepper.

But let’s be honest. It’s not really about that. It’s about the somewhere around 10 pounds I’ve gained in the last month thanks to a sweet Jewish boy and his family who call me a whack-job when I try to turn down a steak dinner.

While I’m cranky enough to say it- I KNOW that dieting isn’t a good way to “permanently lose weight” and that I’m probably mostly going to lose water weight and blah blah blah. I’m a 25 year old female born in the 21st century to a mother obsessed with weight and dieting, who is now smart enough on her own to have made it to her final year of law school. If one more person gives me some “advice” on weight loss I’ll find a way to jump through this computer and strangle them.

I eat healthy and I exercise pretty regularly. I’m just eating more regularly than ever before, and until my body figures out that I can have the metabolism of a normal person, I’m not interested in being one of those girls that makes you wonder why “low-rise” jeans were ever in style.

Instead of trying to lecture me on things I know to be true (this seems to be my general problem with all things unhealthy in my life- we rarely want to stop maybe because of rather then inspite of their unhealthiness?) why don’t we start to figure out why it’s this way. Why do we ever take the hard road even when we know the hard road is less than necessary? In fact, it’s usually worse for us in the long run. That’s the thing about that “often the hard choice is the right one” business- it’s usually only hard right this second. But NO DUH it may be hard to not see your abusive boyfriend anymore right now but it is probably better for your 13- year-old boy (not me- w/e, you get it).

And you know what I mean. The relationships we should end that just prolong pain, the jobs we hate, the phone call we don’t want to make….

Maybe instead of blaming others and ourselves in this situation, we should look at the alternative we’re seeing as so unbearable, and what brought us here.

But whatever (in regards to what brought us here), we basically can all boil down our relationship issues to some (usually male) member of our family, and our eating is all directly related to our mothers (mine is probably eating a Lean Cuisine or Skinny Cow as we speak). None of that really matters in moving ahead except in recognizing that they’re all these major life-forces that somehow have nothing to do with the people who love us today (even our parents! I mean *sure Tracie Robinett is happier when she thinks I look good, but only because in some twisted way something in her past made her think it’s a reflection on herself, but she still loves me the same way!)

I guess what I’m trying to say is that we all do what gets us through the day. And we usually do it in spite of what we know would be the better option. But there are once and a while immediate forces that just make it feel like the better option. And I guess I’m ok with that as long as your tiny missteps don’t get in the way with the much larger, long- term goal. I fully intend to not pass whatever the hell this eating issue is to my daughter, and I intend to go back to eating just as regularly this weekend. I just feel like in the meantime it’s fine to eat just fruit today, and just vegetables tomorrow for the sake of looking good in whatever idiotic-too-short Halloween costume I decide to go with this weekend. Oh god. Don’t even get me started.

Forgive me lord, for I have sinned.

I guess today is as good as any to say something.

I'm exhausted today, with maybe no particular reason for it.  There are purple flowers in my hair, taken from Marina's yard, but I am laying on the couch, smashing them, having trouble getting myself to move.

I have been thinking about happiness a lot lately, and how relative it is, and how complicated creatures we really are.  I recently read an article about how women's happiness rate is at an all time low.  But what does that even mean anyway?  How much are we in control of our actions and how much do they relate to our happiness?  I either believe that I'm an adult- and should sack it up and start making myself life the life I want, or I believe that I'm not in complete control of my life whatsoever- and am simply doing the best with the situations I am put into.  I guess it's somewhere in the middle.  But there really is nothing worse than knowing you are happy, seeing it right there in front of you, and closing the door to any possibility of permanence.  

When I was studying buddhism and non-attachment, I became really good at not longing for the things I already had.  I can see the beauty in something because I know- and almost expect it- to be gone rather shortly.  But I don't think I ever fully learned how to let go of the past; to let go of those things that haven't been beautiful for some time.  

What a revelation.  I am not attaching to the now, because I'm busy trying to recreate the beauty of before.  Always.  Pretty soon, that now becomes recent history, and again, I try to recreate what I never really enjoyed to begin with.

I guess I'm writing to say that I'm so sorry.  That I've made mistakes, and continue to make them, in spite of the beauty of my every day life.  And to say, I'm falling in love.  If with nothing else, then with the possibility of learning how to enjoy each moment- not as if it's my last (that part is *easy*)- but as if there is absolutely nothing that came before it, except what made us who we are.  Those moments have served their purpose and remain, better off dead. 

I hope this comes with forgiveness.  And with each morning, a re-birth, a new beginning to define exactly the life I want to be living.

It's about time...

I just couldn't really put El Salvador into words.  I just couldn't.  I scribbled bits and pieces in a journal for myself, but for fear of the work, I never came back here.  And I regret it. Maybe I will someday. Maybe this is how I end up getting so far away from myself.  I'm not holding myself accountable when I'm not writing.  Before you know it, I'm hanging out with people who only ever talk about being drunk/sick/annoyed/and/or/hungover.  God. It's about time.

I'm getting quiet again, introspective again, so I expect I'll be back here.  I am not exactly sure what it is this time, but I'm sure I'll figure it out.

I am planning a journey to Haiti and a trip to Cuba, but how about a little every-day writing before I run away?

I think so too.  And I would appreciate it if you spent a little more time here too.  Let's write something more than 140 characters, post something a little less tumbly, and be a little more honest than 595 facebook "friends" allow.  Shall we?