papaya hotel? el salvador. day 1

I never leave myself enough time. I scrambled around for a half hour before Daniel and his Dad came to take me to the airport. I forgot some things. I don´t have a towell. But we got there, and then here, with little to do. The main thing is that I feel like it may take me a couple days to relax. I am being horribly anxious and grumpy, and I don´t really know why. Maybe it´s because I got mad at Daniel in the airport and knew that I was in the wrong. I don´t know. I can´t shake it. I hate knowing that I am being irrational but not feeling like I can do anything about it.

Flying in was incredible. There are volcanos seemingly everywhere. It´s not unlike Costa Rica, albeit the poorest parts. I love that not a soul speaks english. Without my cell phone, or being able to speak well, i plan on just being quiet, and watching. I secretly think everyone looks like me. I know it´s not true, but i like to pretend.

When we showed up in El Salvador, Nicky was in a group of people, sweetly standing on tip-toes and waving his hand. We paid a cab (against my better judgment, but we would have had to take a bus out of our way to get to the city to then get on another bus to the beach) to take us to some town that´s not La Libertad, but is close. We are not at playa San Diego, but i think we´re close. I actually have no idea where we are, but our little hotel (slash) hostel has free internet, hammocks, and 3 beds in a room for about 20 bucks a night.

It may be important to mention that I am reading ´Franny and Zooey´again. As I have just started, I am being terribly introspective the way that Franny is. I am judging Nicky and Daniel at every turn, and secretly dream of running away. It´s not really ok. I try to direct my over-analyticalness towards beams of sunlight that I could lay down in, and away from my poor unsuspecting friends.

We went to the beach early, maybe 9 am. We had lunch, a nap, and a long walk along the beach. The sand is dark, yet not quite black, from the volcanos. The water is so warm, you almost don´t notice when it hits your feet- it´s so similar to the weather outside. It´s like my body knows I´m on vacation, within an hour my hair became a mane. We´re all sweetly ill-prepared for the beach- a little off-color and out of shape. I love it though. Between by boughts of grumpiness, I love watching Daniel and Nicky walk along the beach and playing in the waves.

What I meant to say is that I made it. I am here, and remembering how to be happy.
Buenas Noches.

Blueberry Wine

You held my little toes in your hands.

(The smallest one is round like a berry.)

I can picture the stems you call fingers

Methodically pressing into my flesh

As we pretend to be distracted by conversation.

I was rooted to that place on the couch, 

Far enough away so I could watch your whole body move,

Close enough to grow our longing.

But I watched you a second too long, 

And our brief silences quickly soured.

You were not careful with me.

You were not careful with any piece of me.

You let my toes slide out of your fingers

When the first distracting sound made you

Look away.

You offer no comforting words

As I now bend down to pick up the pieces myself.

I count my digits, one by one, honestly believing 

You've kept something of me.

Looking up to find you've gone, 

I realize I'm right.