"you look tired" and other ridiculousness

Hiiiiiiiiiii.  (That's what baby Sammy says.  Basically over and over. "Hiiiiiiiii."  What a flirt.)

I'm going to have to apologize in advance, as I am particularly tired today thanks to last night's meteor shower.  

I also want to apologize in advance for blogging when I don't really have much to say.  I guess it's sorta like Trey says, and blogging takes some time, loneliness, and thought.  I guess I'm just too busy for all that stuff right now.  I just really want to do that thing where I just sit for an entire day.  You know it.  Like, when you plan on doing things but you're all alone in your apartment and you get wrapped up in TNT's primetime in the daytime or West Wing Marathons and the next thing you know you've spent an entire day sitting alone while eating salami and snickerdoodles.  What? You too? God. That's all I want.  That and Christmas.

I'm exhausted.  I'm behind in school.  My room's a mess.  I haven't spent any quality time with my family any time even close to recently. I'm poor. I have no job and am graduating next year.  These are the general things that shadow other thoughts. That and- my oldest friends are far away or I don't talk to them. I don't write any more. Blah blah blah.  But I'm trying.  I'm really trying to be balanced and hold it all together.  I mean, I'm not eating on a regular basis, so my room's taken a turn for the worst.  I don't understand how other people have time to eat 3 times a day.  It's absurd.  Being poor while working so hard is really the worst part.  It's got to be just the worst part of grad school. 

But enough of that.  The only reason I'm talking about it is because before class today 3 people told me I looked tired.  That's got to be one of the most useless things to ever tell someone.  It's like when people tell me my hand is cold if they shake it.  No kidding.  It's my hand, imagine what it feels like to me.  It's my body.  If you think I look tired, don't you think I'm aware and feel tired?  You acknowledging my tired doesn't make it any better.  Does it make you feel better?  Do you mean to say, "Are you ok?"  or "I hope you're resting enough." Or something?  Because "you look tired" is pretty pointless and makes me feel like I need to put on more mascara or something.  

OK- none of this is the point.  The point is that yes- I'm tired.  I'm sick of driving to Monterey 2 or 3 times a week and have lost the Steinbeck magic behind it.  I'm feeling sorry for myself because I have a ton of debt, no money, and bar prep starts in January. BUT.... the last time I was feeling sorry for myself, Connie reminded me that I can't control my feelings, but I can control my thoughts.  Thinking about these things wont make them any better.  In fact, it's pretty stupid and self-absorbed bullshit to be thinking about these things anyway.  Because there are people around me who care.  I mean, probably all those people who told me I look tired care.  My dad cares.  He never even once mentioned the fact that it looks like Staples threw up on my desk or that my room is embarrassing.  My family forgives the fact that I suck at being in a family right now because they care.  Those are the things to think about.  That all those people want me to succeed, and more than that, they want me to sleep. 

SO, yes.  I will try my best to think more constructive thoughts for the benefit of myself and those around me.  I will try to think about how I am doing this so that I can make a difference for people and for things that matter.  I will think about how I don't have any money right now, but I'm being well-cared for anyway, and what a beautiful thing that is.  I will think about how I am sentimental and sappy but how sometimes, I just need to put that aside to get some work done.  It's time Caitlin.  It's time for Finals Lock-Down 2009 (part 2).  Working out, studying, sleeping, eating, laughing...

Thanks NaBloPoMo, for making me get a little out of my head, and on "paper." 

(Also, I love you, Carolann Madden.  Read her blog, people.)