I'm exhausted today, with maybe no particular reason for it. There are purple flowers in my hair, taken from Marina's yard, but I am laying on the couch, smashing them, having trouble getting myself to move.
I have been thinking about happiness a lot lately, and how relative it is, and how complicated creatures we really are. I recently read an article about how women's happiness rate is at an all time low. But what does that even mean anyway? How much are we in control of our actions and how much do they relate to our happiness? I either believe that I'm an adult- and should sack it up and start making myself life the life I want, or I believe that I'm not in complete control of my life whatsoever- and am simply doing the best with the situations I am put into. I guess it's somewhere in the middle. But there really is nothing worse than knowing you are happy, seeing it right there in front of you, and closing the door to any possibility of permanence.
When I was studying buddhism and non-attachment, I became really good at not longing for the things I already had. I can see the beauty in something because I know- and almost expect it- to be gone rather shortly. But I don't think I ever fully learned how to let go of the past; to let go of those things that haven't been beautiful for some time.
What a revelation. I am not attaching to the now, because I'm busy trying to recreate the beauty of before. Always. Pretty soon, that now becomes recent history, and again, I try to recreate what I never really enjoyed to begin with.
I guess I'm writing to say that I'm so sorry. That I've made mistakes, and continue to make them, in spite of the beauty of my every day life. And to say, I'm falling in love. If with nothing else, then with the possibility of learning how to enjoy each moment- not as if it's my last (that part is *easy*)- but as if there is absolutely nothing that came before it, except what made us who we are. Those moments have served their purpose and remain, better off dead.
I hope this comes with forgiveness. And with each morning, a re-birth, a new beginning to define exactly the life I want to be living.
